


Lacuna

by RottenAdel



Category: Gundam 00
Genre: Gen, Spoilers, Stream of Consciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-01
Updated: 2016-05-01
Packaged: 2018-06-05 19:34:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6718891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RottenAdel/pseuds/RottenAdel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You should write letters to those you miss.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lacuna

**Author's Note:**

> For day one of Gundam 00 Week. The theme is "Change".

I remember Feldt saying you should write letters to those you’ve lost. I guess doing that is supposed to help you cope with them not being there. You won’t get a response, and it’s probably a waste of paper but... Well, I don’t have a pen or paper to write one anyway, so this will have to do, right?

It’s been four years now, you know. I wasn’t really prepared for you leaving, or... Anyone leaving, really. In the heat of battle I always found myself on the verge of tears, for the violence or the people I was going to have to hurt. I cried when I saw Marie the first time after so long, and when Lockon... Lockon I wasn’t prepared for either. That man was always so kind to everyone, even when he was struggling with his own darkness that crept into that smile when he thought no one would notice. And Tieria... I think losing him broke him. Lockon meant so much to him, even if he didn’t realize it himself until it was too late. Lockon meant so much to me, too. Even if I was always too scared to act on it, always keeping to the far corners and just watching as he smiled...

But losing you... I wasn’t prepared for that.

I had spent so long being terrified of you. You were violent, unhinged. You didn’t hold back on anything. Always saying what came to mind and acting on impulse. It was frightening to watch you sometimes, especially when you’d come out around the people I cared about. I was worried that if I let you do as you pleased, you’d end up hurting them somehow. A snide remark or a fist to the face... Both would be equally painful to watch, even if it was my own mouth, my own hand to do the damage.

That’s right, they’re all parts of me. You’re part of me. For so long I tried to fight that truth off tooth and nail that I didn’t stop to consider why you were there, and what you were trying to do.

You always stepped in to do the things I couldn’t, whether it be complete a mission or act on the emotions I refused to allow to the surface. There were times I wanted to reel you in, because you were hurting someone, people I cared about or innocent people that didn’t need to be involved. But looking back... Yeah, there were times that was the case, but a lot of them you were the one pushing me forward for my own safety. I... I hesitated so much, because I was weak-willed, fearful, but you...

You were just trying to keep me safe, weren’t you? You were the one that would step up to the plate when the world became too much for me to handle. You were the one to force me to do things that I’d never do for fear of being judged, or ridiculed, or viewed as the beast that I am. It was you who would jump in to take the physical pain, the abuse that was handed to me when I only wanted kindness, so I wouldn’t have to feel all those terrible things happening to me.

You said it was because you liked it, because I was too weak to handle it, but...

You were just protecting me, weren’t you?

I know I am weak. I’m terrified of pain, of hurting or being hurt. I’m afraid to reach out for fear of rejection. I’m afraid of forming relationships, even with the kindest of people, for fear they’d find me pitiful, disgusting... But you... You would do that for me. You forced me to overcome those insecurities and made me deal with the consequences of our actions. It was your way of trying to make me stronger, wasn’t it?

You... I don’t know where you are now. It’s difficult to think of you as being dead, or even just gone. You are a part of me, and I am a part of you, so then why won’t you come when I call anymore?

The people here... They’re from that place. The one we went to destroy so no one else would ever have to go through the pain we went through. They know who I am, call me by my number, not the name that she gave us. They sneer at me, laugh as they strike me, cut me, _touch_ me... and then leave me in this dark room. It’s... It’s been so long since I’ve felt warmth that didn’t make my skin crawl. So long since I’ve seen the light of day...

This is the kind of thing you wanted to protect me from, isn’t it? This pain... If you were here, this is what you’d want to keep away from me. You’d take the pain, the sorrow, and allow me to sleep peacefully as if it was all just a nightmare that’d be gone once I awoke.

It feels selfish now, thinking that the only reason I want you back is so I wouldn’t have to go through this. But... Even if it’s selfish, I just _miss_ having you around. Being alone isn’t so lonely when I have you to talk to. Even if all you give me is biting remarks and comments on how weak I am, I don’t care. I just don’t want this silence anymore. I want you back, because you’re part of me, and...

...and I know now... The things you did, the things you _wanted_ to do... I wanted them too, but I was too scared to do them myself. You’d step in and do them for me, just like you’d take the pain when you thought I couldn’t handle it. You’d say those things to me to make me stronger, to make me realize how truly weak I was allowing myself to get.

But... I can handle it now. I can handle the pain, the sorrow, the anger. I think... If I ever get out of here, I can do those things that I was too scared to do myself. Maybe now I’ll be strong enough that you won’t have to step in to take the pain. I... I think after four years of this, I can handle it better. I can be someone you won’t see as weak or pathetic. I can be someone _better_ than just the number they gave me as a child, or a Meister that was seen as a liability.

I think I can live.

But... I don’t know if I want to live without you. 

So... If you can hear me... Please come back. I don’t want to be alone anymore.

I miss you, Hallelujah.


End file.
